Just keep breathing
From the age of 9 years old I’ve had experienced different types of abuse by different people. Abuse from my mother, an uncle, a family friend, and an ex partner.
I was sexually exploited, physically and verbally abused, neglected and tormented.
I’ve battled addiction, I’ve been homeless & I’ve recovered from self harm.
I’m currently battling through a court case to get justice against one of my abusers.
I’ve had counselling since the age of 15 and i struggled to find counsellors that understood me and was able to help me find ways of coping.
But I had counselling with SV2 and I’ve found, creative writing helps me make sense of what I’m experiencing/have experienced.
I’ve written poems about my experiences, my feelings & my mind.
I’ve chosen a handful of poems to share:
You created me, you birthed me.. all of that for you to hurt me.
Someone who should be a mum, shouldn’t cause their child to feel so numb.
What did I ever do wrong for you to not want me? Is it because you regret creating me.
You always treated me different when no one could see.
The certain look you gave me, I just knew what was about to be.
It’s amazing, you’re the one who was supposed to protect me, instead you hated me.
No child should ever feel the way I did.
Was you treated like this as a kid?
Did you learn these behaviours?
Or is that just the ‘mother’you are?
And trying to mentally destroy me.
That is not a mother, but you didn’t do this to my brother? So why me?
It’s been years, and I’ll never get the answers..
But It’s fine, I’ll just keep breathing.
Today I feel calm, I feel mellow. I almost feel like a cloud drifting through the sky. I could almost say I feel on a high.
Is it a genuine feeling? Or is it just my meds? Or it it because I’m just not all in my head?
The days I feel like this, are the nicer days. The happier place and the calmer waves.
The thinking is quieter and the monsters are not here. Maybe I should have a little cheer.
I should appreciate it while it’s around. Just before it shoves me back to the ground!
Perhaps I shouldn’t get ahead of myself,
Maybe it’s just my mental health.
But it’s fine, because I’ll just keep breathing.
You once put bruises on my body, they’re no longer visible, but did they make you feel invincible?
you once whispered in my ear that you wanted to kill me, Why did you want to inflict fear upon me? Why would someone who claims to love you, be the one to hurt you?
The day I face you in court, is the day you realise you no longer have the upper hand.
hang your head in shame,
Instead of passing the blame, but then I guess nothing would change.
I am a victim yes, but I’m no longer your victim & I’m no longer the beaten partner of him.
Your actions have consequences. You may forget, but I hope one day you regret.
But for now, I’ll just keep breathing.
I got the courage and I walked away. I didn’t run and I didn’t hide and that very clearly hurt your pride.
Don’t ever forget, I left. I walked. I never looked back.
I can see your soul is black, but I didn’t stab you in the back.
I just wanted to live.
The courage you said I never had, I found.
It was either that or I’d have been buried in the ground.
All the parts of me you broke, I still found the strength to walk. I didn’t even have the energy to talk.
You hate me now, because no one’s ever stood their ground with you. Remember, I’m the one who left. On my terms, hopefully you’ll learn.
And thankfully to me leaving, I can still carry on breathing.
So much to do, so little time.
So many things going round in my mind
Everyone’s saying I should be in my “prime”, but honestly I feel like trapped inside.
Do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that.
Who are people to control me?
Why can’t I just be free.
Caught up in my head
I just want to be laid in my bed.
No thoughts, no sounds.
Why does my mind have to be so loud.
Silence is what I need
But it’s not always the best for me.
Trying to separate the bad from the good, it’s not as easy as it should be.
But it’s fine, I’ll just keep breathing.